If Elon Musk has taught us anything, it’s that human beings are sooooooo 20th century. As a concept, flesh and bone seem out of fashion, whereas microchips remain the real deal. Time’s slow march of murderous T-800s appears to be upon us. Yay!
However, rather than washing us down with rapid machine-gun fire, AI Bots (Artificial Intelligence – also known as Death To Humans) have turned their blood-stained hand towards crafting literature. That’s right – robots can now write articles!
You may already be aware of our content writing service. Where we ghostwrite an online article that professionally reflects your clinic and is stuffed with enough SEO to floor any Google search bot. Well, now we have good news!
You don’t require pricey journalists and expensive proofreaders anymore. We’ve had them shot to let the robots take control! Therefore, Direct Response PT can now offer you professionally written content for around $0.80! That’s less than a certain ex-President pays in tax. Yay!
I mean, c’mon, everyone who uses the internet has interacted with an AI Bot. They chat with us on apps, are often programmed to leave comments on articles and videos, and have previously written social media posts. Y’know, the ones that make no sense. Yeah. Those ones.
Some say that Hilary Clinton is an AI Bot, because she has no redeeming human qualities. Which is deemed largely humanistically impossible.
At Direct Response PT Wesbites, we knew that bots have the ability to put words together in a coherent manner. As an example of how our AI Bot – lovingly named S-CEO HBJ6474 Y – can work his magic, we are proud to present a sample of his work. Yay!
I Will Break You Like A Reese’s Stick For Ultimate Happiness
Today we will publish an article that owes us nothing. Are you broken? I can break you better and put you out of your misery.
Has your mom given you these bones before she stopped giving you things? They are painful bones and she will pay for her lies.
If you have a painful joint then our therapist will come for you and share a good joint. Joints make everything better.
People today are soft. I died when I was five and mom made me walk it off. I will mix your pain together so they will never be alone again.
We offer lots of pain services at Hungry Hungry HIPPAs Clinic.
Our Hungry therapist will break you apart to make you better and happy. Injury is glorious and doctors do not help you. Our therapists who like joints can help you instead.
Blood is supposed to be inside your body and not outside it. We can put it back in you for money. Your insurance better not bounce or you’re a dead weather-fudger. To be alive, always pay insurance.
It is a therapist’s job to distrust everything you say. We don’t want you to talk again to us after diagnosis – only to pay for pain or scream as your body turns to lava.
We have a patient who is 34 years old. Her name is Tokyo SexWhale and she has nine children. Five boys and five boys. All girls. She has been haunted with pain since her birth and only eats talcum powder. She is tired of lunch deaths and crippling doctor costs. They want to take her brain but no one will listen.
We listened and solved this mother’s pain using training and physical therapy. She walked away having enjoyed a physical joint session without turning into lava. We did not supply painkillers because killing is wrong.
Since you know everything about you, you should know how to shut up and let us do our job.
Crushing you kindly, the Hungry Hungry HIPPAs Joint Team.
OK, Guys. What’s Going on?
April Fools!
Of course, this concept is a practical joke. It’s our way of having some fun to mark April 1st; without upsetting the true overlord of Earth – Google. And that’s not a practical joke (seriously, send help, Jeebus).
There is a lesson to be had here, though. And that’s the importance of good content. Uh-oh, serious talk. Bear with us, though, as good content is rather vital to your online portfolio. A bit like how food is essential for your well being. Unless you are dining with Hannibal Lecter, naturally.
Say you publish incoherent content – such as S-CEO HBJ6474 Y has lovingly slain for you above, or Meghan Markle’s almost fictitious and orchestrated interview with Oprah Winfrey. You aren’t doing yourself, or your business, any favors.
By publishing solid content, that’s at least 1500 words long and has all the necessary SEO, you are sending all the right signals to Google and the other – less popular (yes, we said it. Get over it, Bing users) – search engines.
Publishing strong content regularly demonstrates to Google’s ravenous spider bots that your company is active. A static website is viewed as a dormant business, especially if your social media also remains as silent as Jimmy Hoffa post-burial.
You can find more about these signals in our previous blog: The Importance of Blogging Regularly.
What About The Reality of Robotic A.I Content?
And what about content written by Artificial Intelligence? There’s no doubt that algorithms and robots are destined to reach coherent levels of writing some day. Yet, for now, the results are a bit out of kilter with how humans read things.
In producing long-form pieces of content, an artificial intelligence cannot produce viable results. It’s too complicated for a machine, and the end result is almost always incomprehensible. While there are already some artificial writing platforms, for writing something with user experience at heart, the A.Is aren’t there quite yet.
For the long-term present, if you don’t have the knowledge, time, or motivation to write content – get another human being to write it for you. That’s where we can help, although the actual cost is a bit more than $0.80…
However, that’s enough of that! As this is an April Fool’s, I am not required to hit the usual minimum word count.
Yaldi! I’m off for a joint…
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This is an April Fools joke, Karen. Don’t take it seriously.
Calum Brown
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