Google Doesn’t Care About Your Personal Life

evil king google

Search engines are the royalty of the virtual world. 

Google really is the King of the internet, and the King is the law. 

In terms of SEO, Google does not suffer fools kindly, and its decision is final.

Just like a feudal King, Google does not care about your personal life!   

Appeasing Google’s algorithm is of the utmost importance for the survival of your online presence. 

The following blog contains real life judgements made by the King of the world wide web. 

Strap into your wagon and wheel on in with us to the court of the virtual King. 

Here’s hoping it’s not your head on a spike next! 

Let these examples of Google’s benevolence be a lesson to everyone.

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pig stealing

My liege this one has been brought before you claiming that he hasn’t been able to pay his taxes due to the neighbour’s pigs having eaten all of his fresh produce…

As your just and dutiful King, I must be fair and make an example to the rest of my kingdom.

You want me to replace your produce and waive your taxes for this season? Are you twisting my turnips right now? 

You must be oinking my chain, those pigs aren’t my problem and shouldn’t be an excuse for your lack of loyalty to the corn, er- I mean crown! 

I, King Google, do not care if you cannot pay me what I demand. 

Google won’t “let you off” with any excuse, your online presence needs to be constant come rain or shine. 

The quality of your blogs can’t drop for any reason, it might be easy to think of Google as a forgiving family friend. 

The truth is, search engines are services and we are its loyal products subjects.

Google doesn’t owe you anything, to keep the algorithm appeased you need to make sure you’re dedicated to SEO and your online presence. 

I sentence you to one hundred years in the dungeon! 

Oh wait…

That punishment doesn’t seem fair at all, does it? 

I sentence your website to page one hundred of my page listings, to suffer in insignificance! 

Whether it’s a small inconvenience, or the end of the world, search engines don’t care. The algorithm will keep going long after the world stops spinning. 

Our robotic overlords may be useful for boosting your web page’s online presence, however, Google really doesn’t care if you’ve had a bad day. 

Communication Is Key

cat stalking pigeon

My almighty virtual majesty, before you is an especially smelly minion. They claim that they have not been able to send their messages to the kingdoms beyond, for what reason? Well his carrier pigeon was devoured by a stray cat. He is asking for reparations and a replacement pigeon…

Pha pha pha, I’m sure you’ve not been feline fine after this incident, pha pha pha.

I, Google, have never heard such nonsense. The cats of this fine kingdom are far too fat and lazy to chase a spritely young messenger pigeon. 

Whether you’re alone in a mesley cottage at the edge of the world or on a mountain in the Himalayas, communication is key. Google does not care if you’re online or not, you need to be dedicated to your web presence and its SEO. 

The only person responsible for your online presence is you (unless you’re lucky enough to have someone dedicated to it.) 

For wasting my time with petty matters you shall be sentenced to 1000 years of proofreading blogs! 

Blogs and social media are vital to your online presence and neglecting online forms of communication is greatly detrimental to your business. 

You should be keeping up to date with Google and in the 21st century, a carrier pigeon is not going to cut it.

Search Engines Don’t Have Friends

google doesnt have friends

My online overlord, you had requested this one to be dragged before the court for your final verdict. Before you stands your concubine, a temptress for your virtual almightiness.

My fair maiden you stand before me judged of a great offence! I have grown bored of your company and no longer wish for you to be around in my kingdom. 

Google doesn’t have a personal relationship with anyone, it’s not your friend or in this bizarre case, your lover…

The greatest sin you could’ve committed is by becoming boring. I do not wish to be around someone who does not entertain me. 

Search engines are fickle beasts and without a constant stream of interesting content, Google will drop you quicker than a court concubine. 

Your blogs need to utilise relevant keywords to be effective. For your online presence to really stay on the right side of Google, you need to make sure your blogs are interesting and informative. 

For your ignorance you shall be sentenced to 200 years of keyword research! 

Building a relationship with search engines can be slightly one sided, by that we mean completely one sided. To benefit from the joys of search engine optimisation you will be putting a lot of work into content production. 

The best way to achieve the favour of Google and higher rankings is to make sure you’re producing high quality and frequent content. 

SEO Is No Joke

seo is no joke

Before you, my superior search engine overlord, stands your court jester. A fool at the best of times, he is charged with pranking your highness in an incredibly irritating manner. His charges include the most egregious crime in your kingdom – being unfunny. 

Hmmm… this one has entertained me in the past, but his recent content has been boring and uninspired. I’ve also heard he has been recycling material from the next kingdom over!

A truly deplorable act, plagiarism of content. Search engines will not stand for repeated content and will deliver severe consequences for it. 

Your online presence will be penalised for recycling or stealing content. 

Not only are your jokes stolen, they are completely uninteresting and neither I or my court are amused. 

If your blogs suffer from a severe case of boringness or even worse the plague that is irrelevancy, your page rankings will end up spiraling into the deep bowels of Google’s search results. 

For this great crime to my bountiful kingdom you shall be sentenced to 10,000 years of writing puns for my blogs!

If you can’t keep up with Google’s many demands (and we know that’s a lot of demands) then we know just how to help. Get in touch now for a consultation or for answers to any questions that you might have. 

Managing Quality Content

tax man

Your final judgement of the day my liege, this one is your master of coin, the tax man of the kingdom. He has been brought before you for being far too lazy and refusing to collect the town’s taxes. Despicable. 

As your search engine overlord, I expect a great amount of respect and your lazy attitude has left me unimpressed to say the least. 

Your laziness and lack of loyalty calls for a very serious punishment. 

Loyalty is key to your relationship with Google, by this we mean you need to be constantly working at SEO for it to be valuable. 

Your organic traffic is at risk when your relationship with Google is sour. To keep your SEO happy and healthy it’s important to understand the pitfalls of black hat tactics and how you can maximise your presence. 

By ignoring my kingdom’s requests and their needs as master of coin you have tarnished my reputation! You should know that tax men are easily replaceable, they’re a dime a dozen. 

By ignoring keyword ranking and search engine data you’re putting your online presence at risk. 

Producing irrelevant content is as useful as a juggler with no arms. If you’re not specifically addressing your target audience then you won’t be generating the right kind of organic traffic. 

For this insolence you will be punished by 10,000 years of hard labor, writing and producing blogs! 

I grow weary and must retire to my chamber to watch videos of cute cats

Blog writing is a great way to ensure that the topics you want to address reach the right audience, although Google might not want to be your friend and help with SEO, we do! 

Remember blog writing should be targeted and useful for your audience. SEO is something that needs to be worked on constantly.

Google Doesn’t Care About Your Personal Life

Google is king

Google might not be your friend but we definitely can be! 

We know that SEO and web management are time consuming, especially when facing the ever changing rules and regulations of Google. 

Social media, web management and SEO all contribute to a healthy online presence that you can be proud of. You won’t be seeing any organic leads without SEO.

If you have any queries about SEO or web management or just need some advice please don’t hesitate to contact us. 



Johnathan Elliott

Johnathan Elliott

Johnathan joined the DRPT family in 2021, having gained his Masters Degree in English studies with Manchester University (yes, Manchester has a University). Besides bringing excellent writing, research, and communication skills to our team, Johnathan is a keen film fan. When asked what he would do if he won the lottery, Johnathan replied: "I would make the world's worst horror film". Yes. We worry for him, too.

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About The Author

Johnathan Elliott

Johnathan joined the DRPT family in 2021, having gained his Masters Degree in English studies with Manchester University (yes, Manchester has a University). Besides bringing excellent writing, research, and communication skills to our team, Johnathan is a keen film fan. When asked what he would do if he won the lottery, Johnathan replied: "I would make the world's worst horror film". Yes. We worry for him, too.